It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize