dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
