my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
