I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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