turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
