Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
