im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
