How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
