She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
