Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
