Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
