PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
