question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
