you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
