when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
