nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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