I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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