ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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