I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
