chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i think i just lost a toe
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