how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
