IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We had to coat check the pizza.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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