To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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