I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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