Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
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