holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
