***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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