how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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