Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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