So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
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