letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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