i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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