you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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