I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
