I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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