Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
