Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize