had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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