if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize