Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
