note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Just pee around me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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