he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
