First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How does one acquire holy water?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
