dude i'm inner monologue high
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Randomize
