you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
