I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
