you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize