is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
