I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
