I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
