If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
