So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
