Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
