I never want to see another naked old woman again.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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