Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
