Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I AM VODKA MAN
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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