you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
