I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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