i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize