The maid of honor just puked.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
