oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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