I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
