john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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